Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly bring you the first engineering
report of Jenna Dallas - the sexy starlet of the motoring world. She
comes from Amsterdam but her heart is French - one of love but with
a body and mind of pure filth. Our fine Volvo 440 had be christened
and found her true identity - filthy dirty, oiled up and ready to take
us for a cheap ride. May I present to you Jenna Dallas...
Over the weekend we have pulled back her pink hood and
given her flanges a good seeing to. All oiled up, lubricated and fully
refreshed we spanked her round the highways of South Birmingham, only
to break down 4 times within a 3 mile loop - not Staples2Naples - not
even Catshill to Bromsgrove. The moral of the story is, don't trust
EuroCarParts to know their specs, spark plug tolerances are mm critical
and for some reason they make the plug bodies stronger than they make
the thread on the engine block.
However - after kicking arse and drawing a small crowd
on the Evesham Road, screaming "You 25 quid piece of sh#t wh0re,
for chr!st sake - dont go down on me in the middle of the street!"
we discovered a another level of push starting. The sort of push starting
you have to do in reverse (as you are facing a busy set of red traffic
lights) whilst half on the pavement with traffic swerving past you and
people in the chip shop watching.
Steve taught us a whole new art of dumping the clutch
- dropping it so hard on a push start he got tyre and clutch squeal
and almost rebroke Gravys arm. And Jenna taught us that she doesnt always
like to be treated mean and can sometimes act like a lady.
Sunday saw this transformation, as with the correct spec
plugs and more under hood tinkering she purred with pleasure for us.
8 gallons of T-cut, 45 bottles of colour magic wax and an emperor size
box of Kleenex later, both of us boys had muscular forearms after rubbing
Jenna up for about 4 hours. She loved every second of it. 19 litres
of back to black and some top action on the fine detaling of the trim
has left us with an [almost, apart from the rust] showroom condition
minter. Smooth as a young lady should be and thirsty too. We took her
out to some secluded spots around the Lickey Hills but no amount of
over revving, or 20% slopes would slow this stars voracious appetite
- she gobbled them down and was hungry for more. She knows how much
she can take and with discs all round - she also knows how to stop.
Smooth and satisfying and even pleasuring ladies too
- 5up along the duel carriageways of Nuneaton and not the slightest
complaint (apart from a little yelp of pain every time Gravy failed
to get second gear). She took it and impressed us all. She is truely
one fine women; cheap and dirty I grant you but smooth and elegant with
it - just what you want from a cheap bitch of a motor.
Roll on Staples2Naples...
MSportUK wholeheartedly supports the idea of
driving across Europe to random unspecified destinations. We'd like
to cover ourselves by actively discouraging speeding, "driving
like Italians", playing the "fake steering wheel" game,
or intentionally driving into other cars on your event. None of which
we did. At all.
